Please note: I subsequently lost my job in June this year in the first round of layoffs. They are welcome to live with me in a location of my choosing where I will provide the basics. I have helped him out a few times but in general I let it go in one ear and out the other. I had to file bankruptcy at 27 years old just to get out of the hole I let her put me in. They had just been on a very expensive cruise in Antartica and bought an Audi estate car. I do love them despite what jerks theyve been. Its sad and unfair. At this point, if I cant get some sort of legal protection from this, I am actually considering buying her a long term care insurance policy simply for my own peace of mind. That ranks up there with one of the craziest stories Ive ever heard. We graduated with many years of debt, but overtime everything worked out fine. I gladly gave it to her but I felt so sad that she is like this. We complain limited human rights for individual selfishness, than respecting others individual human rights. I returned home for only one year and spent the entire time overworking to pay the bills and volunteering for other tours overseas. However, if the parents should fail, they must suffer their consequences like every other human being. He just didnt feel like working anymore. He hasnt worked a day since. She has never made much but still found ways to waste what little she did have. You are an asshole for expecting your children to bank roll you so you could go on vacation or buy shit you dont need. I wasnt able to find another job in time as there was a hiring freeze in the company. Im VERY financially independent, thanks to them I had to be. Say, I know you're making a request, but I'd like to know more information. Debt is never a four-letter word to their ears. Ignoring the problem can make things worse. Granted my parents are pretty pleasant, they hate where I live (city) and would not choose that option easily. Avoid loans if you can. (Theres also a trust issue if you dont stick with it, too.). They were going to roll the dice and make it big, with no regard for how this would impact their retirement. If your parents were negligent in their financial decision-making and you had your own family and self to financially look after, would you still foot their bills for them? I know this is a really old post but reading all these comments makes me amazed at the amount of people that are in similar situations. The financial landscape changed, true, but thats not a childs responsibility to figure out, you still chose to have a child, accept the risk that there could be another Great Depression and it will be your job to take care of them. If you dont feel you can afford a gift, dont give the money. Blessings to all! Occasionally in this life, you actually get what you give. All Rights Reserved. Theyre currently helping pay the bills for a grandparent, and are bitter about it. Options for Parents Lending Money to Kids. You'll have more control over. He was fairly neglectful in that respect so I dont feel a strong pull by the argument. I made sure our son graduated from college and he earned a degree in computer science that has his earning $70/hr at 24-years-old. This post originally appeared on The Simple Dollar. What if its your children that are financially irresponsible? And, unless Im actually willing to end this and make her homeless I really dont see any legitimate way out, Whats the point of my telling anyone this? Your parents are addicted to money. If I know they are ok I dont think I would ever want to see them again I would phone them ones a year from a enynomous line in case they trace where I stay. Sometimes people need to hit the depths of poverty before they come realize theyve been doing things all wrong. But in the situation with my in laws, where they are both over 50 and in an extreme debt situation (I would be overjoyed if they had anything close to $10K in savings!) But I encourage you to change your focus, which we all can just by doing it. No. Although family members are among the most common financial abusers to the elderly population, they are not the only ones. This makes me angry because I have parent 1 and in-laws that would like to visit grandchildren also. That pressure to fit in at work and build strong relationships can cause you to spend a lot of money that you might not otherwise spend. To me, this is a case of a parent who does not seem to know how to look out for anyones well-being, whether her childrens or her own, so my sister and I have to be careful and look out for ourselves. It sounds like theres something in your childhood youre unwilling to admit to. I think it may be a cultural thing. Im sorry to all the baby boomers out there but you should not expect your children to be your retirement plan. The same rule applies when borrowing from a family member. I hope you stuck to your guns. You WILL have very confusing feelings, such as guilt, shame, self-doubt, etc. They buy the latest gadgets, drive fancy cars. yet they call every weekend to ask about the money .they didnt even raise him??? I do all the researching to try to find her assistance HUD, food stamps. I am 53 Y.O. She is my grandparents who say she is too much to handle. where can I get her help to get out on her own again?!PLEASE. All they did was screw themselves. Heres the thing: the money you have is almost always the result of your personal hard work and hard choices. Yet, if their requests for money make you feel uncomfortable, talk to them about it. I recently had her visit for two months and took good care of her, showed her lots of love and affection, cooked for herbut felt rather abused by the end of it. I had to unlearn a lot of lessons when I started managing my own money after college! They can find resources to help them make ends meet if needed. Weve worked hard to get where we are, and I admit I wont be happy if either side shows up with their hand out. My sister is always complaining to me about her money issues. If theres a little left over, you can consider a small monthly stipend for Dad. then what? Dont let it change your being so much that you come away from it concluding that family supporting one another is a thing to be pushed away. This would be fine if they could afford it. It propelled me to move far away from a metro market into the country. My parents moved in with me and instantly became a financial drain. And dont forget to frame it as tough love. Thats because, in each and every case, financially irresponsible people can leverage aspects of your life beyond your finances to encourage you to make poor financial choices. She sounds totally like a typical boomer who has kicked the can down the road not thinking about their children or grandchildren. Now that you are an adult, she cannot physically control you, and if you are financially independent, she cannot control you through money either. Im so angry. Sometimes, saying no to a request may be difficult, but can save your relationship from any future resentment or hurt feelings. Yeah, Im sure they were taught how to make a living, but not how to live with manners or respect. In the near future, we may have to face some very difficult choices and either watch a decline in her situation or put our own futures at risk. Ive even given up on romance 2 focus on raising my kids. It was supposed to be just for a little while but turned into all four years of high school. Trent Hamm is a personal finance writer at TheSimpleDollar.com. You ended your post with cautionary statements to Baby Boomers, of which I am gladly one. They have been the most entitled generation on the planet. No offense but your parents should have expected to give you all of those things before they had you, its their responsibility since they elected to have you. Please read my comments below and you will see the conclusions I came to which might be of help to you. Ga is a filial responsibility state. Youve helped her clear some (maybe all?) Bottom line were not MILs retirement account. Let them know that you need to reevaluate spending habits or discuss your budget, so you can start a conversation without them getting instantly defensive. Its important to know when financial support moves from aid to addiction. I just dont put effort into maintaining friendships with people with whom it is expensive to maintain friendships. However, my mom thinks I should chi in and help with bills?! I am not financially stables myself, I keep putting my bills on hold, & my priorities so she can have a home to live & groceries, but I am tired of dealing with this. I have hit a point with this by stating I will offer my parents the same deal they offered me. Unusual circumstances like a once-in-a-generation economic shutdown are a good time to offer a financial boost. I have not been able to work over the years. No. Ever since i started working at the age of 16 my parents asked me to give tmhem money and i always thought it was the correct thing to do because i was raised in a really poor family and i couldnt enjoy or have any luxuries because my parents always needed money week after week so i always helped them. I have a 79 year old father whom is still working hard. For me personally, Im in college and my parents have started leaning on me financially. They just finished remodeling their kitchen and their master bath. My father has managed to hoard his wealth to the extent that it is likely that he can pay for care in his old age, but not for sure. Undermine their involvement - Sometimes the best defense is a smashing offense! All the while, 2 older siblings live home rent free and Mom still pays their cell phone bills (both over 25) my boyfriend (who I love with) thinks I sound cruel saying hes being taken advantage of. They are in so much debt, yet they bought an 800 motorbike yesterday then ask me for 35 today because my mum needs cigs. postponement. Regardless of how diligent you are about your own good financial choices, these things can seriously disrupt your financial progress. If we can help, we should, right? I dont know about others but no matter how reckless my parents have been, or not supported me financially, or didnt save enough for retirement it is our responsibility to support them no matter what! Dont fall for this one like I did. My father is a felon and we were already off to college (supporting ourselves, just barely) once he and my mother finally got their sh** together and when they finally did, they crawled into a hole and quietly enjoyed their lives together, ignoring all of the fallout of what had happened for more than a decade. What if it is you grandparents? An advisor can help you develop a budget and a plan to pay down any debts that need attention. You are no longer helping your mother in the current situation and it sounds as if its really hurting your family. Shes constanly asking relatives for money, constanly borrowning money from the church, and from my sister and I. Theyre over a year behind in their mortgage and currently facing foreclosure (duh!) None of his 9 siblings want anything to do with him and my girlfriend doesnt want him there either. I have been my moms go to in the detailed discussion department. Dont simply open your wallet on the spur of the moment unless that money is coming from the flexible spending part of your budget. If they want to live the way they are thats their problem but you shouldnt be paying for their mistakes at the cost of your retirement and then complaining about it. (sorry that sounds kind of bitter :) ). God save us all from these beatnicks. Should a Family Member Be Your Realtor and Charge Commission? I guess since Ive always had to fend for myself, this seems foreign to me. WoW! Well, guess what, Nine months ago at the age of 56 my husband and I decided to hang it up. You chose that. It can be awkward to mix family and money issues, whether its loaning money to a struggling relative or dealing with competitive or irresponsible spending. Why not tell them to shape up? Are you stupid? If he gets into financial trouble, scammed, etc. The second group presents differently. This is also a good opportunity to start to learn how to communicate about such issues. Prior to that, they had money and paid for things. What are your interests and how can you put those toward more stable employment?, Say, At the moment I can't help you financially, but I'd love to help you in different ways. :-) good luck all! My mother, on the other hand, retired at 55 because she didnt feel like working any longer, and is spending down her savings on frivolous vacations and an out-of-control shopping habit. my folks have always been responsible. The people who believe this is a black and white issue, are usually the ones with responsible parents. DO NOT become responsible for someone if you do not know how youre going to regain your independence.